The doors were closed. A sharp panic attack gripped me. Did he turn his back on me? Does he not want to see me? Has he also deserted me? Mind went blank suddenly and there was silence all around. A strange silence – neither comforting nor disturbing. A silence I have occasionally felt envelope me when I get the feeling that I am alone and not wanted.
I was not sure if the doors would open as the time was 10 a.m and I knew that it was time that they closed the temple after the morning rites and poojas. Still I stood there unsure if I wanted to leave without seeing him. Nobody was around for me to make sure but still I stood there and as fate always does to play around with my feelings, I saw the carvings of some god-like figures on the wooden door. And guess what…. the ever powerful and ever so close to me lord Ganesha was there sitting prominently. Our eyes were locked in a mortifying stare – it always happens when I see Ganesha…. We stare at each other, eye to eye, each thought in my mind I feel being read and analyzed by him. I could not leave after seeing him. I resolved to stand there till I could get in. Maybe I would have to wait till evening … maybe….. I dare not think what I would have done.
I stood there and then a couple with their one year old came and joined me outside the door waiting for the darshan. And slowly slowly there were more. Strange the faith and belief of yours truly even inspired others to believe that they would be getting to see the lord. I felt good and also a bit guilty – what if we are all standing in vain and if the temple has really closed. I did not want to leave the piece of the sacred piece of floor that I was standing on , to go and see the notice board to find out the timings….
Neverthless as it invariably happens with anyone who has faith, the doors opened and what a reception was given to all of us devotees waiting for our communion with the Supreme. A thundering sound emanated from the insides of the sanctum sanctorum and my heart skipped a beat. I entered and saw the door of the lord’s chamber closed. Meanwhile the “thuds” continued to resound in the hall and the soon there was s more shriller sound weaving a patter in the atmosphere with the “thuds”. “Chenda” – the ancient traditional musical instrument was being played by two priests inside the temple and as is the case with all such musical offerings to the almighty, they were starting at a low note. There I stood in front of the closed doors, waiting and thinking. Thinking ? Not really thinking. I could see all the memories flooding back into my mind. But that is what usually happens when I come to see the Lord. Each and every moment spent with her clearly play in front of my eyes and then I cannot just control my tears. The slow beats of the drums had been slowly propping themselves to a faster beat – esp the shriller drum whose music was piercing like a sliver into the nervous passageways of the brain and somehow managing to find stimulate a ‘tear-gland’ on its way up.
There I stood utterly standstill, mind, body and soul all in one sync, each muscle contorted yet strangely relaxed at the prospect of seeing the lord. Each cell in my body praying with single minded devotion for that someone. The music slowly reached a crescendo and then at that moment, the most beautiful sound of the bell in the main priest’s hand rang and I saw Him ! HE was in my favourite make-up – the sandalwood paste smeared across his face with the eyes, nose and lips showing. There were red coloured small flowers and tulsi garland around his black body. The sandalwood paste, the red flowers and the black body – all added to the effect and he for a change was not really mocking me.
My eyes were finding it hard to cope with the conflicting commands coming from the heart and the brain. For a change I heard my brain’s command and continued soaking in all that I could of the god instead of closing my eyes. ( Wonder why we instinctively close our eyes whenever we see the lord after waiting for such a long time to get a single glimpse) I stood there, stood all alone in the crowd, a steady streams of salty water running down my cheeks. A small girl was making a spectacle out of me by pointing out to her mother, as to how I was crying. I just smiled at her and continued staring at the lord. Nothing could move my legs that were weighing some 100 tonnes.
Then the music stopped and I closed my eyes…. A calm descended upon me and I concentrated on making my prayers to the lord. But then I had decided that I will not ask for anything from him and I will just pay my respects to him and come away with a lighter heart. So I just smiled at him.
Thereafter it was the turn of the one and only Ganesh !!! I was again locked in a stare with him . My eyes peering only at his eyes and asking him questions. He calmly stares back saying, “ run along boy, I have other more serious tasks to take care of !! I again smile. That is one good thing that hopelessness has taught me. To smile at adversity and move on with my tasks without expectations. Anyone who mocks me just gets a smile in return because my faith in goodness still stands unshakeable. I know god is just mocking me so that he can do good to me when the time arrives. Its this realization that is my biggest gain from today’s prayers. Another lesson learnt from the experience – the experience of praying everyday, every hour, every minute. Yes, hard to believe !! Never been more closer to god than this in my life I must say.
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