Inside the Church

Not a post that I am very happy about, but I just cannot stop myself from posting this. Primarily because its a true expression of what was going through my mind at that point in time and secondarily because I believe my blog will not have any edited, 'good on English' content. It will have only heart-felt 'material'. And this post is a prime example of that. I wrote it inside a church where I spent close to 2 hours, first observing and then writing in my notebook whats reproduced below ( without any changes )

The sound of the buses, autos and scooters is something one cannot shut out from your ears in a city like Bangalore. Most of us have come to terms with it. But in this place of worship, all the sounds are turned into music. It just helps in accentuating the peaceful environment inside the hall.

St. Patrick’s Church is my refuge these days. A curious pattern of gongs emanating from the bell atop the church - 3 rings – 3 rings – 3 rings and then 12 consecutive rings indicate that it is 12 noon in this oasis of Bangalore. An old man walks in with his shirt’s front pocket looking like a gunny bag. So full is the pocket with “ god-only-knows-what and all” that its making him stoop forward even more than his actual stoop. The lovely looking man, has one week old stubble, tattered trousers that were once navy blue in colour but now resemble the colour of the water on Marina beach. He roams around the place touching the feet of each statue inside the church and then sits down in front of me. All I can now see is the tuft of hair sticking out of his ears. He is busy in his prayers with his rosary and so I shift my eyes away from him to another character that has walked in. The little lady as we will call her from now. She sits down on the benches diagonal to mine and immediately takes out a book to read. I thought I was the only person who reads in the church! But she seems to me a mystery.

There is a tremendous sense of calm and goodness on her face but still she seems restless and disturbed. Ironical!. She does not read for more than 20 seconds and looks up; here and there her eyes wander. She seems to contemplate, plays with her fingers, and then again gets back to her book. Is she thinking about what she is reading or is she pre-occupied with her thoughts that actually brought her to this wonderful place of peace. Why did she not pray? Is she also a non-Christian like me in search of some place where she will not feel like a lesser person. There is another woman, most probably in her late twenties or early thirties who has also come in. She too goes and sits but, I can’t see what she is doing as she is far away from me. This lady has a lot on her mind. Her face is like a mirror! But since I can’t see her anymore I return to our little lady who has her face buried inside her hands. Why my dear are you here? This place is for losers like me to come and ask for forgiveness. It is not for benevolent creatures like you to come and cut a sorry figure. She cries wipes her eyes and leaves. I feel sad at the fact that she has left so early.

I am a bit disappointed that I could not talk to her or have her interesting company for more time. I keep my eyes away from her so as to not embarrass her. I feel like telling her – “my little lady, I am even worse than you are. I too cry a lot. It’s ok to cry. We should never be afraid to show our feelings in whichever manner that it manifests in. For me tears are the only way I can express my pain, sorrow and happiness. Are all these people also coming here to share their sorrow with God, just like i have? Who are these people and how are they different from me? How are they different here inside the church from what they are outside? How is it that they are facing their sorrows bravely while I am not able to? What is courage in these circumstances - Is it running away from your troubles, moving on to different things, or facing your sorrow, thinking about them and trying to sort them out and find a solution to them?

Where is my self respect, if I cannot redeem myself by atoning for my sins? Is it possible for me to live peacefully without showing to my loved ones the true feelings that I have? The again the question arises that is it really necessary for love to be acknowledged? Is it necessary that your repentance of your sins must be realized by your loved ones? Is it not enough that you know that you have cleansed yourself of the impurities and that you have filtered your love and are now clean in your soul and body? Cleanse yourself; wash yourself of your sins. Then this new clean self will be able to shine with light. All will be transparent. Then the true souls with goodness and pity in their hearts will be able to see your pure self. Even if they do not, still you can be happy with the fact that you cleansed yourself and offered your self to them. Now if they take or not depends on how much this 'clean you'is visible to them.

An old couple comes and the lady is smiling looking at the God, happy on being close to God. The man is happy that he could make his mate happy. That’s what love is for and is all about. And that's what is and will always be my unfulfilled wish. :-)