Sleep and Me

Sleep. Sleep is important they say. But I like the typical b-school grad never took that piece of advice seriously and used to think, “ what the heck, just a few hours of sleep is enough for a man. People just indulge themselves by sleeping so much.” True that a few hours are enough, but what about getting quality sleep in those 4-5 hours?

Till this age, I never had a problem of not being able to sleep well or had lack of sound sleep. Till this age I never realized that its possible to sleep for 6 hours and still wake up as if you are tired and awake for eternity. Till this age I never realized that even dreams without monsters, deaths etc can be nightmares. Till this age I never thought that I will be not able to wake up and feel happy about last night.

Oh how foolish and ignorant was I. These days sound sleep is an invaluable jewel that I do not possess. Nightmares after nightmares, jolts after jolts, shivers after shivers, all are a part and parcel of my sleep. Thank god I do not wake up shouting in my sleep. Do not mistake it, I do still wake up about 5 times on an average in my sleep but atleast I keep my bloody mouth shut.!

A person who even as a child was never afraid to sleep alone, without any teddy bears and pillows to keep company, I now need the small statue of God Ayyappan to be kept right near my bosom in order to feel a bit at ease for the long night ahead. He keeps me company during the tumultuous nights. He smiles, with a faith hint of mockery everytime that I look at him in the middle of the night and makes me feel even more pathetic at my emotional state. God has a strange way of being with you and still acting so detached from you that sometimes you wonder if there is really someone with you? Is there anyone who will support you and not cheat you? Is there anyone who will stick to their word? Is there anyone who has the guts to support you and love you, no matter what all mistakes you make in life? God will always be with me, I know, and his way of mocking at me is to show me how foolish I am and how I must not continue like this. But irony of all ironies is that, if I stop feeling the way I am feeling then maybe I will be cheating the same God whom I pledged to and promised to about a few things in my life. Just because I do not have things going my way, should I break the promises I made with a sincere heart in front of the holy dieties in Eachanari, guruvayoor, chalissery, sama, r s puram, peelamedu, the roadside temple, and the list goes on and on…

Why do I get these dreams? Whats in these dreams anyways? These are nightmares wherein only your loved ones torment you. Yes, my mom torments me! my dad torments me! my sister torments me! my friends torment me! my relative torments me! and above all my love torments me!!! My love for all of the above and my love for myself torments me. What do I do, I have no clue? This post I am writing in the morning, just after another night full of torment, full of tears and full of perspiration. I try to gulp my fears and sorrow down with a cup of morning tea, but does it really help? I open my comp and try and write it all down, but does it really help. Well maybe it helped because I just have ran out of time and also the urge to do a foolish thing. Really a foolish thing? Time will tell someday ……