There are certain times when you just do things that are sometimes beyond some people’s logical comprehension. There is one such thing that I do and boy it’s a real thrill !!!
And I recommend this to you all:
I go to the Airport road in Bangalore. There just after the Domlur fly-over, there is a stretch of the road, before the Leela Palace Hotel. Stand there near TGI Friday and watch the traffic. The next thing that you need to do is to slowly make your way to the median divider which separates the two-way traffic. Just stand there and watch the high speed traffic zip past you. You have to hang over one leg on that divider as there is no space to stand. So virtually your face will be brushing past the on-coming vehicles.
Once you have had enough churn inside your stomach, make your way to the middle of the road. And STAND THERE !!! yes, stand there, bang in the middle. Trust me the adrenaline rush that you feel up your spine is the best thing in the world. The drivers of the vehicles will be shouting and cursing you to no end… but just smile at them and maybe even close your eyes. H a! ha ! ha ! …
Do not spread you hands like Jack and Rose did in Titanic. The fun is in the air brushing your forearms and making your shirt sleeve flutter like a crazy old woman throwing a fit !
Stand there and feel the fear, the anxiety combined with the relaxed, carefree sensation enveloping your self. Each one of us will feel differently and so there is nothing that I can describe more about the experience that you would relate to.
Wait, its not over yet….you gotta go to the ‘ Corner House’ for a Black Forest cake with vanilla ice cream and hot chocolate sauce after this. Nothing better to calm your nerves after the pulsating encounter on the roads. I always wonder why fire or the wheel is considered to be Man’s best invention… My vote always goes for ice-cream.
You can try this in some high speed stretch near where you stay too. And now for the boring part … This is highly dangerous and my broken face and limbs are testimony to that fact. Although I was lucky enough to escape with minor injuries, yet there is a conspicuous threat to your life if you are performing this exercise. So only people who do not care much for their lives, ppl who think that the world will not lose much after your death, or those who think that your death would not matter much to anyone… only such ppl can try this. But the idea is to have sensational fun and yet be alive to come back and do it again. And of course to eat that heavenly ice cream in the best ice cream shop – The Corner House ( especially the Domlur one).
Its an impulse and it will remain that for me. There is not much thought that goes into this act. You just go out there and do it. Do it if you think that you were used by this world for its own gains but left you bereft of your own self. But this is the best way to get back at the world – do things that are unimaginable for normal ppl and stay alive to tell the tale ! Sick thinking na ? I know ..Lolz ! But we are digressing….
The bottomline is – Just go out there and do it if you do not care a bit about your well-being and the world also agrees to your this thinking ! :-)
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Thursday, February 7, 2008
The Slap on My Face ! ! !
On my way to office, I find a lot of pedestrians who stand on the roadside for their buses and autos. Since I go alone on my bike, it has become a routine for me to give lifts to these people. The majority number of times, its school kids who get on to my bike. Yesterday too I gave a lift to a school boy. He was about 15 years old I think. As soon as he got on to my bike, he started blabbering – a marked difference from all the other kids, who used to clamp up and not even utter their names properly when I used to ask them.
Arun, our hitch hiker’s name, was shooting questions after question, “Uncle, are you working?,Where are you working? Are you and engineer?” When I nodded my head,( didn’t want to complicate matters by explaining about my graduation), he just jumped with excitement. He said, “ Uncle my ambition is also to become an engineer. ! Uncle, where is you office” . “M G Road” I replied. “Uncle can you drop me at M G Road then? My school is near to M G Road” . Of course I didn’t mind. Now, it seems Arun was thinking for a long time and I to break the silence at a traffic signal asked him why he wanted to become an engineer.
I have personally never had an ambition to become anything other than an Army Officer. When that dream was shattered, I just moved along wherever life took me and never really dreamt of becoming anything. I know that when a kid says he wants to become something when he grows up, then its not his own thinking that says that, but its his parents and the family’s channel of thought. Of course Arun as expected by my said, “ I want to become an engineer because they get good jobs in good companies like Infosys, Wipro, HCL etc” . I shot back, “So you want a job and so you are becoming an engineer!?” Arun defended,” No, not just because of that. Also because … ummm…eeerrr” I again acted smart and asked, “ Who advised you to become an engineer? “ Arun said,” My mother wants me to become an engineer. Earlier I wanted to become a soldier. But amma said that she does not want me to go to the battle field and so asked me to become an engineer.” I tried to play the ace up my sleeve and very lovingly and in a gentle manner asked – “Arun, what do you like? Will you not become successful if you do what you like?” Arun decided to play his trump card at that moment, “ But I must fulfill my mother’s wishes also. I must listen to her too !”
At that moment I could see another Anup in that little boy Arun. I just smiled.
After that I told him about the life in the Army and how nice and honourable it is to be an army officer. Tried talking him into it. But then again to my chagrin and utter surprise he in between bouts of laughter said, “ Uncle, my mother and my grandmother want me to become an engineer because then I will be able to go abroad for higher studies or job. And if I go abroad to a developed country like US, Europe, Australia, Singapore, Malaysia,… then I will get a good girl to marry too !”
I was aghast at the kid talking of this point. Till then I knew it was the kid talking from his heart. But this was not the kid talking. Rather it was his family talking. I prodded him further because this is an issue that I have always felt strongly about. I asked, “ Arun, why are you thinking about marriage now itself? You are so young. And do you think you will get a good girl only if you study abroad and make good money? India is also fast growing Arun. That is old thinking. I do not think that is the right way to think Arun!”
To this he said, “ Uncle, I have an elder brother working for ICICI Bank. His girlfriend left him and married his friend. And when my brother asked for an explanation before her marriage, she didn’t reply to him. So my mother and brother went to the girl’s house two months before the marriage to convince her parents. At that time the girl’s parents insulted my mother and brother and made fun of him since he was working in an Indian company whereas the boy whom they had chosen had studied in a foreign country and was going to work there and also take the girl there. After coming back from that house, my mother cried, my brother cried and then she told my brother to go to foreign country. But he refused. So she wants me to go abroad, so that I can also get a good girl to marry and not be insulted. “
“ Arun, you stop has come. I think if you get down here, you will get a bus to your school. “ I informed.
“ Bye Uncle. Will you come tomorrow also at the same time ?” Arun asked
I sped off without replying , my head reeling under what a kid of 15 years had taught me. He had shown me the mirror and taught me reality !
Arun, our hitch hiker’s name, was shooting questions after question, “Uncle, are you working?,Where are you working? Are you and engineer?” When I nodded my head,( didn’t want to complicate matters by explaining about my graduation), he just jumped with excitement. He said, “ Uncle my ambition is also to become an engineer. ! Uncle, where is you office” . “M G Road” I replied. “Uncle can you drop me at M G Road then? My school is near to M G Road” . Of course I didn’t mind. Now, it seems Arun was thinking for a long time and I to break the silence at a traffic signal asked him why he wanted to become an engineer.
I have personally never had an ambition to become anything other than an Army Officer. When that dream was shattered, I just moved along wherever life took me and never really dreamt of becoming anything. I know that when a kid says he wants to become something when he grows up, then its not his own thinking that says that, but its his parents and the family’s channel of thought. Of course Arun as expected by my said, “ I want to become an engineer because they get good jobs in good companies like Infosys, Wipro, HCL etc” . I shot back, “So you want a job and so you are becoming an engineer!?” Arun defended,” No, not just because of that. Also because … ummm…eeerrr” I again acted smart and asked, “ Who advised you to become an engineer? “ Arun said,” My mother wants me to become an engineer. Earlier I wanted to become a soldier. But amma said that she does not want me to go to the battle field and so asked me to become an engineer.” I tried to play the ace up my sleeve and very lovingly and in a gentle manner asked – “Arun, what do you like? Will you not become successful if you do what you like?” Arun decided to play his trump card at that moment, “ But I must fulfill my mother’s wishes also. I must listen to her too !”
At that moment I could see another Anup in that little boy Arun. I just smiled.
After that I told him about the life in the Army and how nice and honourable it is to be an army officer. Tried talking him into it. But then again to my chagrin and utter surprise he in between bouts of laughter said, “ Uncle, my mother and my grandmother want me to become an engineer because then I will be able to go abroad for higher studies or job. And if I go abroad to a developed country like US, Europe, Australia, Singapore, Malaysia,… then I will get a good girl to marry too !”
I was aghast at the kid talking of this point. Till then I knew it was the kid talking from his heart. But this was not the kid talking. Rather it was his family talking. I prodded him further because this is an issue that I have always felt strongly about. I asked, “ Arun, why are you thinking about marriage now itself? You are so young. And do you think you will get a good girl only if you study abroad and make good money? India is also fast growing Arun. That is old thinking. I do not think that is the right way to think Arun!”
To this he said, “ Uncle, I have an elder brother working for ICICI Bank. His girlfriend left him and married his friend. And when my brother asked for an explanation before her marriage, she didn’t reply to him. So my mother and brother went to the girl’s house two months before the marriage to convince her parents. At that time the girl’s parents insulted my mother and brother and made fun of him since he was working in an Indian company whereas the boy whom they had chosen had studied in a foreign country and was going to work there and also take the girl there. After coming back from that house, my mother cried, my brother cried and then she told my brother to go to foreign country. But he refused. So she wants me to go abroad, so that I can also get a good girl to marry and not be insulted. “
“ Arun, you stop has come. I think if you get down here, you will get a bus to your school. “ I informed.
“ Bye Uncle. Will you come tomorrow also at the same time ?” Arun asked
I sped off without replying , my head reeling under what a kid of 15 years had taught me. He had shown me the mirror and taught me reality !
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Zinda hoon ! – Yes, I am still alive.
That fateful night of last Saturday, when I was supposed to be not even be present in Bangalore, but somewhere else, I ended up in IIM Bangalore. Now how, when and for what , did I go inside IIM B and that too without a valid entry pass – I will explain in another post. This is for a different purpose.
Now that night I got myself into the STRINGS concert at IIM B and boy oh boy, I don’t regret that decision. I was supposed to join my friends at the front row, but could not reach them due to the huge mass of young ppl thronging the concert grounds. So there I stood with some unknown guys and gals, all of them enjoying the scintillating music being played by one of the best acts in Hindi Music.
Now as you all must be knowing, at such concerts, everyone lip syncing with the performers is a common sight. And I was also no different . But then something happened for which I was not prepared for at all. The band started the “ Yeh hai meri kahani” song from the movie “Zinda”. Although the movie was not such a good one, still this particular song was noticed and loved all over for its lyrics, good composition and masterful vocals. I found myself transported into a totally different world as soon as the song started playing , as I have lots of fond memories watching this movie ( all the blood and the gore was welcome ;-)… lolz… no I am not a sadistic prick,,,,, but I have my reasons)
There is an interlude in the song, where John says a dialogue and I strangely though was also lip syncing these words as well. I was surprised as to how I could remember those lines, still!!!
Then the lead singer announced that he will gift a T-shirt to whoever repeats the words said by John in the song, completely. And immediately the girl standing next to me looked at me expectantly. She was a pretty girl with a very cheery disposition and she along with a couple of her friends were having a ball out there swaying and swooning at the band. They had noticed that I was not with my gang and hence had included me too in their swaying and swooning. We had had a good time holding arms high above our heads and swaying as asked to by the lead singer.
So when the lead singer announced that he would be giving out the T-shirt, she expectantly turned to me and said, “ go !” She knew that I knew the words, and so wanted me to give it a shot. But then she found me not budging an inch, she looked at me and saw the tears streaming down my cheeks. “Whats wrong “, she asked. “Nothing, ..eeerrrr…uuuummmm… (gulp), the song !!” I blurted. She laughed out so loudly, I froze .. “ Bad memories?” she asked trying hard to suppress her mocking laughter. “ Contrary, HAPPY MEMORIES” I shouted, joining in her laughter !
And then, I had one of the best three hours – wonderful concert. I highly recommend all.
Strange how music has the power to move you to tears and laughter at the same time.
By the way, have a look at the song if u can understand Urdu … its touching !
bajay pyaar ki shabnum mere gulistaan mein
baraste rehte hain har simt maut ke saye
siyahiyon se ulajh padti hain meri aankhein
koi nahi .. koi bhi nahi jo batlaye
kitni der ujalon ki raah dekhe
koi nahi hai koi bhi nahi
na pass na durr
yeh pyaar hai
dil ki dharkan
apni chahat ka jo ellan kiye jaati hai
zindagi hai jo jiye jaati hai
khoon k ghoont peay jaati hai
khwaab aankhon se siye jaati hai
God bless !!! This is so thrilling !
Now that night I got myself into the STRINGS concert at IIM B and boy oh boy, I don’t regret that decision. I was supposed to join my friends at the front row, but could not reach them due to the huge mass of young ppl thronging the concert grounds. So there I stood with some unknown guys and gals, all of them enjoying the scintillating music being played by one of the best acts in Hindi Music.
Now as you all must be knowing, at such concerts, everyone lip syncing with the performers is a common sight. And I was also no different . But then something happened for which I was not prepared for at all. The band started the “ Yeh hai meri kahani” song from the movie “Zinda”. Although the movie was not such a good one, still this particular song was noticed and loved all over for its lyrics, good composition and masterful vocals. I found myself transported into a totally different world as soon as the song started playing , as I have lots of fond memories watching this movie ( all the blood and the gore was welcome ;-)… lolz… no I am not a sadistic prick,,,,, but I have my reasons)
There is an interlude in the song, where John says a dialogue and I strangely though was also lip syncing these words as well. I was surprised as to how I could remember those lines, still!!!
Then the lead singer announced that he will gift a T-shirt to whoever repeats the words said by John in the song, completely. And immediately the girl standing next to me looked at me expectantly. She was a pretty girl with a very cheery disposition and she along with a couple of her friends were having a ball out there swaying and swooning at the band. They had noticed that I was not with my gang and hence had included me too in their swaying and swooning. We had had a good time holding arms high above our heads and swaying as asked to by the lead singer.
So when the lead singer announced that he would be giving out the T-shirt, she expectantly turned to me and said, “ go !” She knew that I knew the words, and so wanted me to give it a shot. But then she found me not budging an inch, she looked at me and saw the tears streaming down my cheeks. “Whats wrong “, she asked. “Nothing, ..eeerrrr…uuuummmm… (gulp), the song !!” I blurted. She laughed out so loudly, I froze .. “ Bad memories?” she asked trying hard to suppress her mocking laughter. “ Contrary, HAPPY MEMORIES” I shouted, joining in her laughter !
And then, I had one of the best three hours – wonderful concert. I highly recommend all.
Strange how music has the power to move you to tears and laughter at the same time.
By the way, have a look at the song if u can understand Urdu … its touching !
bajay pyaar ki shabnum mere gulistaan mein
baraste rehte hain har simt maut ke saye
siyahiyon se ulajh padti hain meri aankhein
koi nahi .. koi bhi nahi jo batlaye
kitni der ujalon ki raah dekhe
koi nahi hai koi bhi nahi
na pass na durr
yeh pyaar hai
dil ki dharkan
apni chahat ka jo ellan kiye jaati hai
zindagi hai jo jiye jaati hai
khoon k ghoont peay jaati hai
khwaab aankhon se siye jaati hai
God bless !!! This is so thrilling !
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Yes, the joke was indeed on me !
I started a joke, which started the whole world crying,
But I didn't see that the joke was on me, oh no.
I started to cry, which started the whole world laughing,
Oh, if Id only seen that the joke was on me.
I looked at the skies, running my hands over my eyes,
And I fell out of bed, hurting my head from things that Id said.
Til I finally died, which started the whole world living,
Oh, if Id only seen that the joke was on me.
- Bee Gees
But I didn't see that the joke was on me, oh no.
I started to cry, which started the whole world laughing,
Oh, if Id only seen that the joke was on me.
I looked at the skies, running my hands over my eyes,
And I fell out of bed, hurting my head from things that Id said.
Til I finally died, which started the whole world living,
Oh, if Id only seen that the joke was on me.
- Bee Gees
Friday, January 18, 2008
Loss of a Prayer !
I had a prayer , the only one I had.
It was my wish, my dream and my life.
It was strong, and it was to right a wrong.
The only thing that came to my mind when I saw God,
The only thing that was felt in my heart when I felt God.
The only thing that I heard when I heard from God.
So many things I could have wished for from HIM, but still everytime it was the same wish !
And now, I met a breeze, that had blown from her lands and I heard it whispering to the trees near the balcony of my room ! I overheard and stood mortified :-(
Standing in front of the Lord for my daily prayer ritual, I froze !
Mind drew a blank, heart ceased its feeble attempt at shivering.
I was standing to say my prayer, yes, the very same prayer.
But I could not.
If I said that, then I would be wishing for the unhappiness of the poor soul I was praying for. I could not say it, it would be wrong on my part to wish for something at the cost of someone else's loss.
My body crumpled, my eyes shed a dry tear.
The heart dissolved in my blood.
Nothing, absolutely nothing. Zilch !
Why was I standing there....
God said, "its wrong to wish for something that is not yours."
I protested, "But I do not want it to be mine ! I just want it to be with me !"God said, "Ask for something else son, this I can't give. I do not control this !"
I said, " I do not care about anything as much as I care about this. If I have to pray then I will pray only this. If you cannot give then I do not need a prayer"
God said, " Prayer is not only for oneself, pray for others as well "
I sunk further into the ground and said, "God, this means that you never listened to my prayers. Every prayer of mine has been for someone other !"
God said, " Then in that case, I am sorry son, I think you just lost your prayer and the right to pray"
I protested, " How can I lose it so quickly? "
God said, " Is it not better if Death comes faster ! "
I found a prayer on July 24th,2007 and lost it on January 14th, 2008.
It was my wish, my dream and my life.
It was strong, and it was to right a wrong.
The only thing that came to my mind when I saw God,
The only thing that was felt in my heart when I felt God.
The only thing that I heard when I heard from God.
So many things I could have wished for from HIM, but still everytime it was the same wish !
And now, I met a breeze, that had blown from her lands and I heard it whispering to the trees near the balcony of my room ! I overheard and stood mortified :-(
Standing in front of the Lord for my daily prayer ritual, I froze !
Mind drew a blank, heart ceased its feeble attempt at shivering.
I was standing to say my prayer, yes, the very same prayer.
But I could not.
If I said that, then I would be wishing for the unhappiness of the poor soul I was praying for. I could not say it, it would be wrong on my part to wish for something at the cost of someone else's loss.
My body crumpled, my eyes shed a dry tear.
The heart dissolved in my blood.
Nothing, absolutely nothing. Zilch !
Why was I standing there....
God said, "its wrong to wish for something that is not yours."
I protested, "But I do not want it to be mine ! I just want it to be with me !"God said, "Ask for something else son, this I can't give. I do not control this !"
I said, " I do not care about anything as much as I care about this. If I have to pray then I will pray only this. If you cannot give then I do not need a prayer"
God said, " Prayer is not only for oneself, pray for others as well "
I sunk further into the ground and said, "God, this means that you never listened to my prayers. Every prayer of mine has been for someone other !"
God said, " Then in that case, I am sorry son, I think you just lost your prayer and the right to pray"
I protested, " How can I lose it so quickly? "
God said, " Is it not better if Death comes faster ! "
I found a prayer on July 24th,2007 and lost it on January 14th, 2008.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Silly Symbolisms !! - the resort of the weak ?
The instant I realized what was happening to me, I knew I had done something that was radically different to what I was. I knew life would never be the same after this realization. I knew things had gone a bit too far and yet I knew that what I was doing was going to make me happy. I knew that all these things that I was doing and following were not going to be the right way of doing things or the right parameters for judging my feelings … but still I also knew that there are times when logic takes a back seat and what might have been so difficult to do, you do in an instant without much of a fuss. I knew only the crazy, obsessive and paranoid did such things, but at the same time I also knew that it was the only way to retain my sanity in this ruin ! Ironical , huh !
I had never touched the talcum powder after my 5th standard in school (after which my mom stopped dressing me up for school). I have always scoffed at people who used to apply the powder on their faces, necks, napes, underarms, chests, and god knows where all ! I used to wonder why we needed to increase our complexion quotient by applying artificial stuff on our faces.
And now here was I applying the white powder on my face every morning. And what could be the reason – My mother, on my departure from my hometown Baroda, gave a Pond’s talcum powder pack for my use. I just exclaimed as to what made her think that I would use it and she just smiled. She said, “Keep it Anu. You might need it !” And boy, she was damn right. I needed it although for not the reasons that she must have even imagined.
Same case with the Pond’s cold cream – I hardly use cream. Oh how yucky it feels to apply that greasy substance on your face ! But now I apply the Pond’s cream everyday on my face because my father gave it to me again on my departure. He went out and bought a whole lot of provisions and assorted stuff while I was packing. The love with which he bought some stuff that are not even used by me, touched me and I silent kept all of those inside my bags. I didn’t have the heart to quarrel with him, the way I usually do. Same case with Colgate Herbal toothpaste. I used to have pitched battles with him when I lived with them. I don’t like the taste of herbal toothpastes and he loves them. I used to buy my own toothpaste while the whole household used the herbal paste bought by him. And now see ! what a change… I buy only that toothpaste. What more, I even fought with my roommates for having misplacedthe toothpaste given by my father. What a sick fellow I have become.
The whole point of these examples is – What happens to oneself when we miss people whom we love so dearly. I am away from my parents and my family and maybe these are the small ways in which I try to still maintain their everyday presence in my life. Right from waking up and saying my prayers to the time when I get back to sleep , each day in my life is peppered with some small gestures, actions, and idiosyncrasies aimed at remembering my dear ones.
I have stopped spitting on the roads as a mark of respect for the only woman I loved ‘coz she did not like it and cried hoarse trying to reform me from this uncivil habit. Have started eating bittergourd (karela in hindi) ‘coz my father loves ‘em and gave up on his son ever realizing the goodness of the vegetable. Started wearing red threads on my wrist since it was given by her ( keeping aside my finicky hatred to anything being tied or wrapped around my hands/arms) . Have started applying some perfume that my father gave although I never use perfumes ( neither does he). It was gifted to him by his elder sister and he gave it to me saying, “I won’t use it, but atleast you try using it.” Have started wearing more of black in my attire ‘coz she likes the colour and subconsciously I have started liking it too. Have read James Patterson, Daniele Steel, J K Rowling ( with lot of reluctance ) , just to transfer myself to her world. All this happened reluctantly but automatically. I knew I was doing something very uncharacteristic to me but the whole body, mind and soul wanted to desperately do all of these. What possesses me is difficult to describe. Is it mental fragility, is it foolishness, is it lunacy?
What more… I have safely preserved many things – like the envelope in which dad sent some application forms for me, the “bindiya – pack” that mom used while on a trip to Bangalore ( she forgot to take it back ), the bill of ipod nano that I bought for the love of my life from my first month’s salary, the sweater that my aunt knitted for me on my 15th birthday ( can u believe it, once I wore that tattered and way too small sweater to a disc ! freaked some ppl with my ‘kool’ fashion sense )
Sometimes I feel I am over doing things. But then its these very things and idiosyncrasies that present me with a reason to live and endure the miseries and disappointments. The fact that the love for them is still alive and kicking in my heart is a reassurance that I am still good inside ( so what if its manifested in some illogical and strange mannerisms ?)
The basic fear that I had was that I might end up losing my love and perspective after starting to work in a big company and living the ‘high life’. But it’s these small things that kept me afloat and helped me retain my inner respect for myself. If it sounds illogical and pretty childish or immature to many, then let it. I care two hoots ! As long as I know that I will do anything ( and I mean anything !) for somebody whom I love and care about, then there is nothing for me to be not expressive about.
All I am doing is, trying to express my love for my dear ones. It becomes “ silly symbolisms” when I do not have anyone to express all this to. And that my dear readers – IS THE BOTTOMLINE – below this lunacy ! God Bless !
I had never touched the talcum powder after my 5th standard in school (after which my mom stopped dressing me up for school). I have always scoffed at people who used to apply the powder on their faces, necks, napes, underarms, chests, and god knows where all ! I used to wonder why we needed to increase our complexion quotient by applying artificial stuff on our faces.
And now here was I applying the white powder on my face every morning. And what could be the reason – My mother, on my departure from my hometown Baroda, gave a Pond’s talcum powder pack for my use. I just exclaimed as to what made her think that I would use it and she just smiled. She said, “Keep it Anu. You might need it !” And boy, she was damn right. I needed it although for not the reasons that she must have even imagined.
Same case with the Pond’s cold cream – I hardly use cream. Oh how yucky it feels to apply that greasy substance on your face ! But now I apply the Pond’s cream everyday on my face because my father gave it to me again on my departure. He went out and bought a whole lot of provisions and assorted stuff while I was packing. The love with which he bought some stuff that are not even used by me, touched me and I silent kept all of those inside my bags. I didn’t have the heart to quarrel with him, the way I usually do. Same case with Colgate Herbal toothpaste. I used to have pitched battles with him when I lived with them. I don’t like the taste of herbal toothpastes and he loves them. I used to buy my own toothpaste while the whole household used the herbal paste bought by him. And now see ! what a change… I buy only that toothpaste. What more, I even fought with my roommates for having misplacedthe toothpaste given by my father. What a sick fellow I have become.
The whole point of these examples is – What happens to oneself when we miss people whom we love so dearly. I am away from my parents and my family and maybe these are the small ways in which I try to still maintain their everyday presence in my life. Right from waking up and saying my prayers to the time when I get back to sleep , each day in my life is peppered with some small gestures, actions, and idiosyncrasies aimed at remembering my dear ones.
I have stopped spitting on the roads as a mark of respect for the only woman I loved ‘coz she did not like it and cried hoarse trying to reform me from this uncivil habit. Have started eating bittergourd (karela in hindi) ‘coz my father loves ‘em and gave up on his son ever realizing the goodness of the vegetable. Started wearing red threads on my wrist since it was given by her ( keeping aside my finicky hatred to anything being tied or wrapped around my hands/arms) . Have started applying some perfume that my father gave although I never use perfumes ( neither does he). It was gifted to him by his elder sister and he gave it to me saying, “I won’t use it, but atleast you try using it.” Have started wearing more of black in my attire ‘coz she likes the colour and subconsciously I have started liking it too. Have read James Patterson, Daniele Steel, J K Rowling ( with lot of reluctance ) , just to transfer myself to her world. All this happened reluctantly but automatically. I knew I was doing something very uncharacteristic to me but the whole body, mind and soul wanted to desperately do all of these. What possesses me is difficult to describe. Is it mental fragility, is it foolishness, is it lunacy?
What more… I have safely preserved many things – like the envelope in which dad sent some application forms for me, the “bindiya – pack” that mom used while on a trip to Bangalore ( she forgot to take it back ), the bill of ipod nano that I bought for the love of my life from my first month’s salary, the sweater that my aunt knitted for me on my 15th birthday ( can u believe it, once I wore that tattered and way too small sweater to a disc ! freaked some ppl with my ‘kool’ fashion sense )
Sometimes I feel I am over doing things. But then its these very things and idiosyncrasies that present me with a reason to live and endure the miseries and disappointments. The fact that the love for them is still alive and kicking in my heart is a reassurance that I am still good inside ( so what if its manifested in some illogical and strange mannerisms ?)
The basic fear that I had was that I might end up losing my love and perspective after starting to work in a big company and living the ‘high life’. But it’s these small things that kept me afloat and helped me retain my inner respect for myself. If it sounds illogical and pretty childish or immature to many, then let it. I care two hoots ! As long as I know that I will do anything ( and I mean anything !) for somebody whom I love and care about, then there is nothing for me to be not expressive about.
All I am doing is, trying to express my love for my dear ones. It becomes “ silly symbolisms” when I do not have anyone to express all this to. And that my dear readers – IS THE BOTTOMLINE – below this lunacy ! God Bless !
Sunday, January 6, 2008
My morning Tea is too cold to gulp!
I finish sleeping ( yeah, it’s a big task for me, STILL!!!) and head for a cup of tea at the neighbourhood tea shop. The air is nippy and the breeze is chilling. Bangalore is cold. I have got my nice branded jacket to keep warm. I am sipping the brown drink, and suddenly I see something near my knees. No, it’s not my brain ( my brain is in my feet - that’s meant to be a joke, in case u didn’t get it)
I am amazed to see a 3 year old girl who has come to the shop with a 1 rupee coin in her hand. In her other hand, she is holding a baby. The baby is 1 year old at the max., their attire, or rather lack of it, made me sit up and take notice. The elder girl is wearing a green frock with frills. The back side has a zip without a zipper. So her back is exposed to the ruthless winter. Its almost a frightening sight – a flimsy rag , an excuse for a frock, acting as the only protection for the little girl against the vagaries of the winter chill! The kid sitting happily on her elder sister’s hips, is even more of a heroine. She is wearing a small white colour shirt over her upper body and is stark naked below her hips ! Imagine ! A one year old child, who is half naked, wandering around in the open with the temperatures being 14-16 degrees Celsius. And here is this 25 year old, athletic and healthy chap, all draped up in three layers of clothing to ‘protect’ him from the cold! I was ashamed of myself ! I felt like digging a deep hole and burying myself into it.
She asked the shopkeeper, in some language, (maybe baby language) for something but was told by the shopkeeper that whatever she asked for costs Rs. 2. I think she asked for some biscuits ( maybe Parle-G ) and was denied , as she had only Rs. 1 with her. The poor child turns and heads back to her hutment nearby. The child on her hips, is still wondering as to why she did not get her munch. And here was I, on to my second cup of tea, which I ordered, just because it was cold, and I feel tea helps to keep you warm. Warm from what, man? Heck, I was now feeling all sick and ashamed of myself. Felt like throwing away all my clothes! Was it my ego? Or was it my ultra sensitive nature? I dunno. I didn’t feel I deserved the comfort that I was in.
No longer has she gone, and there walks in the Rajnikanth of the locality. This is another 3-4 year old boy living in the same hutments as the green frock lady that I met a minute back. I have seen this fellow before too. He has one of the cutest faces and walks with a swagger that is unique to him. He has bright eyes and a round face. He is wearing, again to my dismay - am exhausted to be shocked, by now-, a flimsy T-shirt and a knee length shorts . Again he is also clutching a ten rupee note in his hand. He comes and asks for a packet of some provision, I believe. The shopkeeper again says no and the little fella moves on to another shop. My eyes refuse to revert from him and my legs follow my eyes. I am drawn to the boy with the magnetic personality. He again returns from this shop too, empty-handed. He is walking on his toes, since he cannot bear to let his bare feet touch the cold pavement near the shops. I again feel ashamed ! I have got again a nice pair of branded sandals on my feet.
I am not sure if I feel pity for these poor kids, forced to bear the brunt of this cold or for myself who in spite of being decades elder to them, cannot stop acting like a sissy and ‘ooh” , “aah” about the cold in Bangalore. I ask the shopkeeper , “why can’t you just give the kid the biscuits… after all its just a matter of one rupee? The kid is poor na !” But the shopkeeper told me that if he keeps giving such liberties to them, then the next thing he would have to face is a horde of such poor labourers’ kids swarming his store and asking for such discounts. It’s a valid argument. That’s the sad part of life! Good intentions may not work out as you want and sometimes the heart-felt thing is not the right thing to do. I mean sometimes, what the heart says is not the right way to do things. How sad ! Now I could have easily paid the shopkeeper the balance money and let the kids have their biscuits… but then I refrained from doing so. Why? I honestly do not know. Something inside prevented me from doing it. No, not the least because of the fear of losing my money ( Phuullleeeeezzzz !) I will not be there all the time, and so there is no point in me helping her out only this once. It was the same logic as – “Instead of giving the hungry man a fish, teach him how to fish!”
But all said and done, I still go all decked up in wool and leather for my morning cup of tea, and such small kids still come there once in a while during the morning time for something or the other and I still feel ashamed of myself and admire those kids for their resilience and courage. Its hits me in the gut everytime I see them there and I still do not do anything about it. But again I have never felt like doing anything for such destitute and poor. It’s a shameful admission…. Am I so bad… why do I still go there , have my two rounds of tea, dress up like I am trekking the Mt. Everest and watch the half naked, shivering kids , not even get a decent cup of tea !!!! Why have I become so immune to everything that happens !!!
I am amazed to see a 3 year old girl who has come to the shop with a 1 rupee coin in her hand. In her other hand, she is holding a baby. The baby is 1 year old at the max., their attire, or rather lack of it, made me sit up and take notice. The elder girl is wearing a green frock with frills. The back side has a zip without a zipper. So her back is exposed to the ruthless winter. Its almost a frightening sight – a flimsy rag , an excuse for a frock, acting as the only protection for the little girl against the vagaries of the winter chill! The kid sitting happily on her elder sister’s hips, is even more of a heroine. She is wearing a small white colour shirt over her upper body and is stark naked below her hips ! Imagine ! A one year old child, who is half naked, wandering around in the open with the temperatures being 14-16 degrees Celsius. And here is this 25 year old, athletic and healthy chap, all draped up in three layers of clothing to ‘protect’ him from the cold! I was ashamed of myself ! I felt like digging a deep hole and burying myself into it.
She asked the shopkeeper, in some language, (maybe baby language) for something but was told by the shopkeeper that whatever she asked for costs Rs. 2. I think she asked for some biscuits ( maybe Parle-G ) and was denied , as she had only Rs. 1 with her. The poor child turns and heads back to her hutment nearby. The child on her hips, is still wondering as to why she did not get her munch. And here was I, on to my second cup of tea, which I ordered, just because it was cold, and I feel tea helps to keep you warm. Warm from what, man? Heck, I was now feeling all sick and ashamed of myself. Felt like throwing away all my clothes! Was it my ego? Or was it my ultra sensitive nature? I dunno. I didn’t feel I deserved the comfort that I was in.
No longer has she gone, and there walks in the Rajnikanth of the locality. This is another 3-4 year old boy living in the same hutments as the green frock lady that I met a minute back. I have seen this fellow before too. He has one of the cutest faces and walks with a swagger that is unique to him. He has bright eyes and a round face. He is wearing, again to my dismay - am exhausted to be shocked, by now-, a flimsy T-shirt and a knee length shorts . Again he is also clutching a ten rupee note in his hand. He comes and asks for a packet of some provision, I believe. The shopkeeper again says no and the little fella moves on to another shop. My eyes refuse to revert from him and my legs follow my eyes. I am drawn to the boy with the magnetic personality. He again returns from this shop too, empty-handed. He is walking on his toes, since he cannot bear to let his bare feet touch the cold pavement near the shops. I again feel ashamed ! I have got again a nice pair of branded sandals on my feet.
I am not sure if I feel pity for these poor kids, forced to bear the brunt of this cold or for myself who in spite of being decades elder to them, cannot stop acting like a sissy and ‘ooh” , “aah” about the cold in Bangalore. I ask the shopkeeper , “why can’t you just give the kid the biscuits… after all its just a matter of one rupee? The kid is poor na !” But the shopkeeper told me that if he keeps giving such liberties to them, then the next thing he would have to face is a horde of such poor labourers’ kids swarming his store and asking for such discounts. It’s a valid argument. That’s the sad part of life! Good intentions may not work out as you want and sometimes the heart-felt thing is not the right thing to do. I mean sometimes, what the heart says is not the right way to do things. How sad ! Now I could have easily paid the shopkeeper the balance money and let the kids have their biscuits… but then I refrained from doing so. Why? I honestly do not know. Something inside prevented me from doing it. No, not the least because of the fear of losing my money ( Phuullleeeeezzzz !) I will not be there all the time, and so there is no point in me helping her out only this once. It was the same logic as – “Instead of giving the hungry man a fish, teach him how to fish!”
But all said and done, I still go all decked up in wool and leather for my morning cup of tea, and such small kids still come there once in a while during the morning time for something or the other and I still feel ashamed of myself and admire those kids for their resilience and courage. Its hits me in the gut everytime I see them there and I still do not do anything about it. But again I have never felt like doing anything for such destitute and poor. It’s a shameful admission…. Am I so bad… why do I still go there , have my two rounds of tea, dress up like I am trekking the Mt. Everest and watch the half naked, shivering kids , not even get a decent cup of tea !!!! Why have I become so immune to everything that happens !!!
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